i know you feel the same way about this, i can tell from the things that you say or is it the way that you say things? i can’t tell which it is anymore but i know that you know and i know that you feel the same way that i do.
saying these things and admitting it, however, is completely unacceptable and these sort of things could never happen. because i know that you know and you know that i know but we can’t seem to voice that we both know.
maybe because we can’t accept it, maybe because we don’t want to, maybe because we know that it’s never going to change no matter how hard we try to avoid everything between us and eachothers feelings.

i realize that i sound crazy, and maybe i’m completely wrong. maybe you’ve forgotten me, maybe you don’t care about me at all anymore, maybe you’ve moved on with your life and i’m the only one sitting here obsessing over what used to be, what i can’t seem to talk to you about, because that is forbidden.
i just want you to know that you’re that one thing i’ll never forget, that one phone call i’ll never make, that one piece of paper that i’ll never throw away, that one tshirt that i can’t seem to part with, that one book that i’ll never be able to finish and that one thing i’ll never be okay with.

My life is going so great, it's so perfect it must be unreal because there's no such thing as perfection and it's absolutely pointless to believe that it is real.
Because it's summer, I've got my windows down with music blasting, I've got no where I need to be, no one I need to please and all the time in the world to sit around and do whatever the hell my little heart feels like doing.
This has got to be way to amazing to be real, because for once I'm getting along with my dad and this sort of thing never really happens. Something must be going wrong, something has to be going wrong.
I wake up and I feel fantastic, I just can't help but to make sure that all of my limbs are still attached and my family is still alive, because this is way too amazing to be real.

Finally I realize that there is nothing wrong, that my life can be like this all the time, it always could be I just hadn't found him yet.
The boy who makes me realize that life is here, it is perfect, and I am an important part in the world.
Thank you for helping me see.

last night i had a dream,

A dream that scared me so much I couldn't manage to even explain what happned to me when my mom found me screaming your name with tears on my face curled up on the edge of my bed. I woke up from my boring teenage dream to you whispering my name in my ear. I could feel the warm breath from your lips pouring into my ear. I opened my eyes. You were there.
You were sitting on the edge of my bed and we just sat there for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to say. I couldn't believe you were there.
Finally you said something. You said that I was just as beautiful as you always remembered, and that you wish that things could be how they used to be. I told you that I felt the same and i reached out for you.
You told me not to. When I asked why you just told me that I would regret that but you know me, being as stubborn as usual I still reached out to hold you. That's all I wanted. When I did you disapeared.
My hand was so close to grabbing yours, oh so close. You slipped right through my fingers, much like what happened a few nights before. I couldn't help but to fall apart. I broke out crying and screaming your name so that you would come back. But you didn't. You couldn't.
My hands were shaking as I pulled myself into a ball in the corner of my bed where I saw you just a few seconds ago. I was clutching onto the blankets, trying to bring you back or bring myself to wherever you had gone to. I feel like a crazy lady saying all of this, and saying that I honestly think that if I had just stayed in one place maybe you would have actually been there in my room last night.
I don't care what I seem like anymore, I really don't. Because I miss you and nothing can change that.

Hello my long lost friend,

It's been so long since we last talked and I really miss those little chit chats that we used to have. Don't you? I can see what those people are telling you, I know they're telling you that I'm a bad road to take and you'll feel so much better without me eventually but they're wrong. I mean why shouldn't you believe me? I've never lied to you.
I can give you what you want most in life: to feel comfortable in your body. No one else can give you that.
We were so close to your goal before that stupid boyfriend of yours had to ruin everything. You know that he would like you so much better if you were as skinny as that girl on the posters in his room. He would like you so much more, and so would everyone else. Do you remember when you sat on his lap that one time and he made some sort of groaning noise like it hurt him? I know you don't want that to happen again, do you?
Just trust me because I know that you can do this. You'll be so much happier if you come back to me, and you'll finally be able to control something in your life. I'll be waiting.

Love,
Anorexia Nervosa

Diary of a Homewrecker

Two people are allowed to be friends, they're allowed to make jokes about going out for smoothies, and tell each other that they love one another. So what if one is a boy and the other is a girl? So what if the boy has a girlfriend? You can be friends, and the girl should be able to see that.

Especially when she's setting unrealistic expectations for her already amazing boyfriend, and setting boundaries for him when she has none for herself. She wasn't respecting herself, him, or their relationship. How is that my fault?

He asked for help when he was in a dark place, not knowing who or even what to turn to. You should be glad I was there and not someone else, or something else. I told him that I thought the right thing to do was to get out of the relationship if he didn't think the pain and fighting was worth it, but I never once told him what to do. It's not my fault that he didn't think it was worth it, it's not my fault that he found something in me that he never found in you, it's not my fault he feels comfortable with me, and it's definitely not my fault that i'm attracted to him.

How dare you say it's my fault when you're the one who hurt him, lied to him, and cheated. How dare you say that it's because we became bestfriends and you could "tell there was something going on".

You had no idea how great he could be because you never gave him the chance to be, you were too busy lying or being rude to care. You didn't deserve being graced by his presence, or to be held by such an amazing and respectful boy.

But before you expect him to take you seriously or respect you, first learn how to respect someone else enough not to cheat.

Now you're out of the picture, and i'm in it. I guess I just can't help being a giant homewrecker.

My Soft Spot

Five out of seven days a week I go through a battle, sometimes even six or seven days a week because the battle just isn't quite over yet. Why we keep fighting these battles is a mystery to me, since every time you win.
Does it give you some sort of sick satisfaction to break me down?
I'm only a child, a child of the 21st century where I live my life fighting this constant battle while holding a smile on my face, pretending like it's all okay.
But what for? It's not like anyone notices, it's not like anyone cares. Or at least that's what you tell me.
You say you stand for peace, equality, and mutual respect as you scream at me down the hallway and tell everyone to hate me with combined disrespect.
This fight is not okay, it should not be happening. with anyone.
You, me, she, he, we.
We do not deserve this judgment from someone who doesn't know a thing about us.
I am sick of fighting this constant battle, I am sick of feeling like the only thing I have to turn to is self-mutilation, I am sick of trying to dodge you in that tiny school hallway.
Because every time that I see you, you bruise my confidence a little more than the day before and I'm almost done with this fight. I'm ready to throw the towel in for one last time and say that I give up. give up trying to fake my being okay, and just leaving.
But what does that make me? Another little girl that you've broken down? Just another face that couldn't handle the pressure? Does that mean I'm just like any other teenage girl with a bully?
You can't possibly tell me that this is your first time treating someone like this, there is no possible way. You are way too good at it, because every time and everyday you know exactly what to say, and it always hits that same soft spot.